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Cheers !!
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7.. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
22. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
23. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door? |
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Scotch with two drops of water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?
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The 2008 Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again.
When the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.
Here are the glorious winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to
fire at his intended victim during a
hold-up in Long Beach, California,
would-be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder.
He peered down the barrel and tried the
trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a
finger in a meat-cutting machine and,
after a little shopping around, submitted
a claim to his insurance company. The
company expecting negligence sent out
one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to
clear a space for his car during a blizzard in
Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
woman had taken the space. Understandably,
he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental
patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop
and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then
delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and
prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering
from serious head wounds received from an oncoming
train. When asked how he received the injuries, the
lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before
he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill
on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk
opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and
asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the
clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The
total amount of cash he got from the drawer...
$15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you
money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through
a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So
he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit
the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience
store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk
called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to
give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They
put him in the car and drove back to the store. The
thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer,
that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a
man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan,
at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The
clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When
the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor
home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than
he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a
very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the
man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged
his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these
with your friends and family... Unless of course one of
these individuals by chance is a distant relative or
long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant
and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***
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Scotland v. Wales
It was Scotland v Wales 'International' rugby weekend in Edinburgh , and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.
The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.
As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said,
'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.'
'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death.'
The man replied,
'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'
'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now.' .... 'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'
The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from Berkshire .. '
The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now'
'English B*****d Strangles Family Pet!!!!'* |
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Police Complaint
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written .....
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain your obedient servant ???????
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Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards PC ???????
Community Beat Officer
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Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in. Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ???????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards ?????????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!
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Three blondes
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them And said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face. Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time , but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
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Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President . The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.' The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass would put her up there to begin with.
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Bubba
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
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The Power of Beer
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
'He should've quit while he was a head!'
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